sizzling with electricity

it's a beautiful thing, only two people in my life know i'm here and one is an equal in this journey and the other is one of my old lovers and he will probably never see this so it is very freeing to be able to say whatever i want without worrying about hurting anyone's feelings. after blogging this morning about the Artist and the girls, it seems i have been thinking about sex and intimacy all day. one of my recovery friends, we'll call him the Masseur (i have a feeling he'll show up again later) asked at a meeting how i was doing and i shared with him about feeling full of electricity. he and i are similar in this way i think. from what i know he is not a "vanilla" kind of guy, he just radiates that energy and maybe i only see it because i am the same.
i recently ended the relationship with my very young girlfriend (we'll call her the Bird because she is starting to sprout her wings so she can finally fly) because she couldn't even manage to work her way to vanilla, let alone some of my proclivities. i am the first relationship she has had with a woman and on top of that she had no vocabulary for sex or her desires. i thought she would be how i was with my first girl, anxious to learn the how's and the why's, but the Bird is limited by old beliefs and ideas no matter how much she wants to break free. i thought i could be content to watch her grow, to be a part of her process, that that desire to experience a woman would eventually catch up and when it did, watch out. but sadly i learned of my own impatience. night after night laying beside this beautiful young woman i wanted to take her, posess her in the most intimate ways, and she wasn't there yet. i stopped trying because it was hard to get worked up and be left hanging. i discovered i am incapable of being all top.
this is the confession: i have invited her over to stay the night. why is that a confession? because my motives are not pure. after sizzling all day with sexual energy and electricity sitting on the surface of my skin i want release. i want to fuck and to be fucked. i know it will not happen that way but maybe it will keep me from calling someone else. i am tempted to call the Masseur and say this is what i need, can you help me? i know him well enough to know he would consider it and we could both get our needs met and it would probably be really hot and freaky but the venue that houses our relationship is not an appropriate place to play that out.
so she is at the door. we will have to see where this goes. above all i have to be honest about my motives.