Putting it into practice

Oh what a night. I went to a women's dance with the Bird and some friends. It is a small town so it was like the night of a thousand exes in there. My first girl was there plus a couple of missed connections and in that environment it was easy to grab the bird and make her mine, if only to make myself feel better, selfish right? But then I was working the door and I noticed these women working her, one of them was even one of my own missed connections, and she knew I was watching. She knows how I feel, I've shared with her my thoughts on the matters of monogamy, honesty, communication, and how if everyone is being honest then it is okay to explore possibilities. And explore she did. I looked over and saw S. with her hand on the Bird's ass and it made me hot. She knew I was watching, hell, it seemed like everyone in the room knew what was happening, and I saw her hoping my response would be a little different. Oh yes, she wants to explore and revel in the attention, but at the same time, I was her first and there is a part of her that wants me to say "no, stop, I don't like this!" But you see, I do like it. I am and always have been more voyeur than exhibitionist. It makes me wet to see her with that smile on her face, laughing, a hand on her ass and know that S. is whispering in her ear, "let me take you home tonight." I want it. I want to be 23 and the center of all attention with my whole life, my whole night, ahead of me. I want to go home with S. and see what she can teach me. I can tell by looking at her that she has moves. After all the electricity in me the other day, all due I believe to boys, I am surprised to respond that way. I was afraid for a minute there that maybe I didn't really like girls and then there they are, all these women I have loved and lusted after and would like to lust after, and yes, yes I am still pansexual. I prefer that much better than Bi.
So what happened? Oh the Bird came to, embarrassed, with her options. D. and S. both wanted to continue the evening with her but she had come with me, her car was at my house, her toothbrush as well. I encouraged her to be honest with both of them and she said she was, good girl, and then I asked what she wanted to do. Once we got past the part where she feels guilty because she came with me and what if I don't really mean what I say and maybe I'll hate her tomorrow for leaving with someone else (dyke drama!), she admitted she wanted to go with S. and I applauded her. It seemed by this time everyone in the room really was watching, S's friends, D's friends, my friends, all the women hanging out at the front desk where I was working, they all wanted to see. Would I crack? Would I really let her go with someone else? They all had their opinions and I can safely say I wanted her to go.
I want her to be with someone else. Maybe if she gets some practice with other people then we could have a better chance down the road. I understand that feeling though, wanting to go and explore and feeling obligated to stay because if I do then you will see how much I love you, right? But I have learned those lessons, that those old models don't work anymore and that if she lets herself stand in her own truth rather than what she thinks I need or want from her she can be free. Me, I was just easy because I had no voice for my truth. I don't know that I even knew what my truth was.
This is my truth from last night. S. came and spoke to me, where they were going, what they would do, she would be safe. I was impressed with her integrity although I did feel like the Bird's father for a minute. Then I hugged my friends and said good night and I turned and walked away. I was okay in that moment. I had put into practice what I thought I believed and I was okay. Still am. Things did not go as planned for the Bird but not because of me. And I am free.